Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Circumstances in my real life lately have meant that I haven't had a lot of time or mental energy to explore my fantasies, either in word or in deed. That makes me sad, because after a very long period (ie, adolescence and a decade or two of adulthood) of feeling like a freak for getting off on the things that get me off, I've actually come to embrace that very aspect of myself, and I miss it now that it's dormant.

I still get turned on, I just haven't been able to indulge the kinky side of myself for a few months now. I could blame my new job, or a recent death in my family, or the general funk I've settled into (and may finally be emerging from), or the combination of all those factors and several others, but I guess it's all just a part of the ebb and flow of life.

One of the fascinating aspects of the Batman myth for me has always been the hero's obligation to maintain both sides of his dual persona, come rain or shine: once you create a bat-self, you have to keep it up, whether you want to or not. (Likewise, you have to keep being Bruce Wayne, even when that's not so fun, either.) As I think I've written here before, I've often thought about those times when Batman is being held captive for days or weeks on end--what kind of stories does that compel him to create to explain his absence from Wayne Foundation duties? And what if Bruce just wants to take a vacation from crimefighting every so often--how can he escape the burden of his calling?

I guess a big difference between myself and my favorite comic-book character, then, is that I'm theoretically free -- if not downright obliged -- to let go of the fantasy double life every now and then and just exist in my "real" one, with all its sadness and anxiety and self-doubt. But in times like these, when I'm feeling more Bruce than Bat, it feels like I've lost touch with a crucial part of myself: my ability to dream.

I'll get it back, I have no doubt, but it gets lonely in the meantime. I can't wait to slip back into that outfit on a long, solitary night and see where my imagination takes me.

No comments: